What are your favourite Golden women doing during the quarantine?
Having written for the Golden Girls for several seasons, among the places my mind has gone during ‘quarantining’ has been the girls’ kitchen and what a cheesecake scene might look like under these circumstances. There was a real comfort for me revisiting the ladies all these years later on paper. Hopefully it will have the same effect on you. — Richard Vaczy
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Dorothy is taping envelopes closed as Blanche
brings over a half eaten cheesecake from the refrigerator.
BLANCHE
Girls, it's so sad. Our last
quarantine cheesecake. Don't blink.
In the next two hours they'll all
be gone.
DOROTHY
Only to be reborn on your thighs
three days later.
SOPHIA
Dorothy. You ever think we might
wanna give each other some
compliments? Especially now? Under
these horrible circumstances?
(turns to her)
Blanche, I actually think your
thighs are beautiful.
BLANCHE
Why, thank you, Sophia.
SOPHIA
Of course all the fornication with
those strange valet parkers must
keep 'em toned up pretty good. And
tearing away from those pissed off
girlfriends has gotta be worth
something too.
BLANCHE
Thanks, Sophia, but...
SOPHIA
And you don't even own a car!
(realizes)
So that's why there's that Hertz
bill in the mail every month!
(then)
Which brings up the question: who's
really the rental here, Blanche?
You or the Fiesta?
Sophia laughs. She sees that Blanche is not amused.
DOROTHY
Ma!
SOPHIA
Relax. I get it. I need to work on
my compliments, too...
(can't help herself)
Ms. Space Needle.
(turns to her; faux
sincere)
But, seriously, sweetheart, your
legs are two of the great creatures
God ever made. Unique beauties.
(thinks about it)
I just haven't seen them in years.
Who the hell can see around those
arms of yours?
Blanche starts cutting the cake.
BLANCHE
(stomps foot; cutting
cake)
Ohhh, I just hate that new mayor of
ours. If he'd put that new power
pole on our street, I could have a
dozen more cheesecakes in the
backup fridge in the garage.
Rose starts giggling.
BLANCHE (CONT'D)
(ticked)
Rose, what? We're talking about the
very serious topic of running out
of cheesecakes and all you can do
is giggle? What's so funny?
ROSE
You said...
(can't keep it in)
..."power pole"!
BLANCHE
Darn it, Rose, stop being so juv..!
Oooo, "power pole." Has such a
solllid, unrellllenting sound...
(turns quickly to fridge)
Excuse me. I need a lemonade.
Blanche gets one.
ROSE
And wasn't that your nickname for
that weight lifter from Warsaw
you'd follow to the gym every day
and try to smell after his
workouts?
BLANCHE
Why, Rose, that's disgusting. I'd
never "smell" anyone. I'd maybe
just go in for a little "sniff". A
tiny "whiff" of must, testosterone
and perspir...
(turns back to fridge)
I need more ice. Blocks maybe.
ROSE
Well, I've got some good news,
Blanche. I ran into the mayor
earlier and I got him to hook us
up. So we've got extra quarantine
cheesecakes if we want right now.
BLANCHE
Oh my God, Rose! Are you kidding?
That's wonderful. But how'd you..?
ROSE
Blanche, I'm your opposite so you
probably don't think my subtlety
and finesse and general pleasant-
ness would ever work on a man.
BLANCHE
(dubious)
Well, probably n...
ROSE
(re: her breasts)
That's where these Himalayan gila
monsters come in!
(then)
Works every time. I own that tool
now. He'd paint our bathrooms
right now if I wanted him to.
DOROTHY
Still, there's a problem. We might
have cheesecakes but this damn
quarantine isn't ever gonna end.
ROSE
Dorothy's right. I don't ever
remember feeling this alone.
Although there was this one time in
St. Olaf...
DOROTHY
(puts tape over her mouth)
No, there wasn't, Rose.
(then)
But you're right. No matter who we
are we all get lonely. We all have
our "alone" stories. Even Blanche.
BLACHE
(considers it)
Uh... nope. Not... a one.
(sings it happily)
Zippo!
(notices women glowering)
Though... I could make one up if
you girls all want me to?
DOROTHY
That's okay, Blanche. I've kept
track of all your boy toy tales
over the past five weeks and
they've been entertaining enough.
(pulls out list)
And, I gotta say, your bedroom has
diversity numbers only Harvard
University could be jealous of.
(indicates with thumb)
It's gotta be just like the United
Nations in there.
(then)
Especially when guys realize what a
waste of money it is.
SOPHIA
Hold on. Hold on. I've got a
Dorothy "lonely" story. And it
isn't even hugely embarrassing.
Okay, Dorothy?
Sophia looks at Dorothy for permission.
DOROTHY
If you must, Ma.
SOPHIA
Picture it. Red Hook. 1938.
Buildings crumbling. People getting
nailed over the head with lead
pipes at the deli. Drunks licking
W.C. Fields' leg trying to get any
kind of buzz they could possibly
get.
DOROTHY
Ma! What does this have to do with
anything?
SOPHIA
It doesn't. Was just describing an
average day in Brooklyn in 1938.
(looks up at women)
In any event, it was the day of my
Pussycat's Sweet Sixteen Party. Or
as we'd later call it "Is that the
doorbell? Lie to her! Sunday."
DOROTHY
Come on, Ma, pace it up.
SOPHIA
(shrugs)
Please. Italians like to savor.
Relax.
(then)
In any event, while we sold--and
Dorothy bought, ha!--that Brooklyn
was empty that night cause they
were giving away free how-to-crush-
beer-cans-against-your-face lessons
in Jersey...
BLANCHE
Ahhh, the northern paradise you two
described all these years...
SOPHIA
...we convinced Dorothy a boy there
was the high school quarterback,
"Mook", but it was actually her
cousin's sex doll she chatted up on
the porch all night instead.
DOROTHY
(to them all)
I had my first beer that night and
lost my glasses! So sue me!
SOPHIA
Called herself the future Mrs. Mook
all night. Hugged him so hard, when
he started leaking air she thought
it was him going "Shhhh" to make
things more romantic.
DOROTHY
(re: Sophia)
Can someone quarantine me from all
this?
SOPHIA
But blind as you were, I actually
thought you were having a good time
till Sal came along and strangled
the doll, yelling "No one touches
my Little Spumoni like that! At
least not in exchange for a nice
bottle of Valpolicello!"
DOROTHY
Ma, didn't you start all this off
by saying it wasn't embarrassing?
SOPHIA
(shrugs; qualifies)
"Hugely" embarrassing.
DOROTHY
Although there is something real
comforting about your
obnoxiousness.
SOPHIA
(genuinely shy)
Awww, you are just embarrassing me,
Oblong Creature.
DOROTHY
I mean there's a normalcy to it
all. And that's hard to find right
now. Ma, you and your inability to
speak to humans...
BLANCHE
Rose's... inability to relate to
humans...
Rose nods.
DOROTHY
...And Blanche's desire to still
get voted "Favorite Girl in the
Drug Store Alley." Ahhh, all sooo
comforting.
ROSE
Yeaahhhh...
DOROTHY
These are things that are always
there. Even now, when you open the
door and the real world isn't
really out there anymore.
BLANCHE
Ohh, Dorothy, thanks for putting
everything in such wonderful
perspective.
ROSE
It makes me feel eternally
grateful.
BLANCHE
And I'm just thankful for all of
you. Life may've changed but we
always, always have each other.
Come here, girls.
Blanche indicates they should come together for a
group hug but they stop. The virus. They start a
regular high five then an elbow bump but demur from
them, too.
ROSE
Here, follow me. I have a super
secret hug I invented in St. Olaf
that actually might work here.
The women all look at each other then look at Rose.
No one really moves. They look at Rose again
like "Well?"
ROSE (CONT'D)
(doesn't move further)
I told you I was subtle!
The ladies laugh together simulating hugs six feet
apart.
END SCENE
HOPEFULLY END
CORONAVIRUS
as good as golden 